I admit I have recently gained weight and I'm aware. I look in the mirror and wonder why I let myself gain a few pounds, but an outside view wouldn't see the weight I've gained. I haven't been the most dedicated to work out lately because of my busy schedule, but I promise myself to get back to working out at least twice a week again. I didn't let myself choose to starve or change my eating habits, because I'm finally eating at the right times of day and the amount I need for the energy I need for the rest of the day.
Nights like these I wish I could just stop eating. These nights, I have an empty feeling and food haunts me. I know it will never fill me and I find none of it appealing, but I want to eat. I want to fill the insatiable empty feeling. I see every little detail wrong about me. I see every inch I need to shed to feel skinny again. I work out over and over and over again until my body aches and I have no energy to workout once more, but I am still not satisfied with what I see. The "fat insults" come back to mind. They linger and echo. Water comes to my eyes, and I curl up in a ball and try to stop the tears. All I can think about are ways to lose weight. Ways to be skinny. Ways to stop the fat comments. I think about this until sleep quietly creeps onto my conscious mind.
I know probably more ways to lose weight than most. I know different combinations. I know certain foods that speed up your metabolism. I know foods that slow your metabolism down. I know ways to clean out your system of extra weight. I know the right foods to eat. I find fast food and fattening food disgusting because it would guide me toward my fat nightmare. I know the right workouts. I know not to sleep or lay down after eating. I know habits that make you gain weight. I know foods and drinks that make you feel more full with less bites. I know the types of pills you can take to help you speed up your metabolism, to lose weight faster, to make you feel more full, to stop your hunger, and etc. I know all the tricks.
I do use some of these tricks to help me not gain weight and sometimes to lose weight, like the right foods and workouts. I don't use the pills or unnatural (and usually unhealthy) ways to lose weight. I wish I was at the stage in my life where my weight does not haunt me. I wish it didn't constantly bother me. I wish I felt beautiful. I wish I could ignore those people like my brother who say I'm fat or I eat to much. I wish I could forget when someone commented about my weight. I wish those comments never registered into my mind. I wish I could look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. Even when I'm considered skinny, I'm never happy. I suck my tummy in the mirror and show myself how skinny I want to be. My new goal. It's really sad actually. I wish I didn't have to make a skinnier goal for myself. I want to stop that nagging voice in my head that constantly tells me to starving myself means happiness. I wish I could stop wanting to give in to that voice. When the day comes that my weight does not cross my mind and I feel beautiful, I can honestly say I am happy.
I wish eating was easier
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