Sleepless In Omaha

Jake left for college two days ago. All summer I thought I could do this, I could handle him at Lincoln. It's only 45 minutes away, and I would see him every other week or so. I could do this and cope well. I was worried about him more than anything. I had a feeling it could be like when Mr. Lincoln moved to Lincoln, but I pushed it aside and said this was different. I was right, it is, to a point. I know he's committed to me and cares about me and loves me. I know he is trying to come home and see me as much as possible, and in so many more ways our relationship is different from the one I had with Mr. Lincoln. Our situation gives me a deja vu feeling.
These past couple days, all the feelings of longing, fatigue, and that uncomfortable, unsettling feeling that keeps you up all night came back. I know fatigue and staying up all night might not make sense, but once you're here you will understand. Your mind and body are so tired and want sleep, but that feeling that keeps you up all night overpowers it all. I've forgotten how dreadful this feels. I forgot that this very mix of emotions is what lead me to long for numbness. My mind is blank from being so tired, but I'm still unable to sleep. There is this emptiness that seems to have no location. I can feel the hole, but I can't find where it's at. I got these mixed emotions when I missed Mr. Lincoln after he moved, and I also used to get it when I was younger. My dad would be away at business months at a time. I would see him for a couple weeks, maybe a month even, but he would come home and visit or take us to Virginia or where he worked at the time. I would wake up with this feeling and cry in my mom's room because I couldn't sleep. I missed my dad so much that I couldn't sleep at all. Sometimes I didn't fall asleep until 3 am as a 6 year old. My mom would let me sleep in the next day and take me to school after I woke up. I have this feeling she knew exactly what I was going through and knew it was impacting me more than my siblings, but anyways back to the present. These feelings are so inescapable. I have medicine I have to take, and usually it makes me drowsy and I fall asleep. It didn't make me tired at all. I even tried reading my physics book, but no luck. I went on tumblr. I even put classical music on. Still awake.
I never want to admit to Jake, but I miss him more than I will ever let on. He hates that he is putting through the same bullshit I went through with Mr. Lincoln. I refuse to admit to him, that it feels a lot the same, and is almost just as hard and almost just as hurtful. I know he never wanted to hurt me, especially like this, that's why I can't bring myself to tell him how I'm coping. I know as a couple, I shouldn't lie, but I couldn't hurt him like that. I know he's worried regardless, but I want him to believe I'm being stronger so that he will have something to follow. I just want him to hold me and tell me that I'll be okay and I'm stronger than I think, because I'm not so sure anymore. I want nothing more than just to sleep right now, but sleep isn't coming for me.
I love Jake so much. I love him more than anything. (Oh yeah, we're in love hehe) I trully do. You can say what you want, "I'm only 16, I don't know what love is," but I don't believe love is about knowing how it's supposed to feel and comparing your own feelings, I believe it's about just feeling without much thought and just knowing. Love is like falling. You don't compare the feeling of falling with what you have been told is what falling feels like. When you are falling, you feel it and without much thought you know you are falling. I love him more than anything, I do. I know in the long run this will be worth all the pain and all the struggle. Hell! It's worth it right now. I know someone loves me and cares for me, and I'm doing everything I can to not let them go. I know that what we have is real. I believe that we could last a very very long time. Years, hopefully. I'm not saying I want to marry him or that I expect us to, I'm saying I want to be with him and only him for a very long time and I'm not going to let distance get in between. I may feel alone, but I know I'm not really. I also may be sleepless, but being loved far outweighs that. This is worth the fight, I just need to keep fighting.

A Step Too Far

Jake and I have been dating for almost a month now, but it feels more like three because of the two months prior that we were technically together. So I guess we have been together for almost three months now. In those almost three months, we hadn't kissed yet; at all. We had our first kiss last Friday. It was cute, but it was so sudden and random I wasn't sure that it had actually happened. About an hour later, he apologized for it. haha I mean he said he was sorry he kissed me. It was really cute, and I was pretty sure he had to be one of the very few people to apologize for kissing his own girlfriend. I shut him up and kissed him. So as we watched a few movies, I would randomly plant one or he would. Sometimes we double kissed, sometimes triple, but no tongue. We didn't make out. Just pecks and a few lip locks. It was really cute. I enjoyed it.

So the Sunday, we hung out at my house for a while and we were laying on my bed having one of those gooey lovey dovey looking into each others eyes kind of moments that make everyone else want to barf because it's soo mushy and gooey and couple like (good thing we were alone). So being caught up in that moment (the moments were really like 5-10 minute moments at a time), we kissed, and then again, and then again. Soon enough pecking turned into lip locks, and lip locks turned into open mouth and well obviously open mouth led to tongue and making out. It was my first time legitimately making out. I mean it's not the first time a guys tongue has been in my mouth, but the first time wasn't so pleasant and he was more like shoving it down my throat. So we aren't going to count that one, but back to Jake. We were making out and taking breaks and looking into each others eyes and then making out again. It wasn't really intense, it was more soft and gentle, I guess? It was really really nice:) Both of us were really into it, and then he just stops. He looks at me and says "I need to borrow your laptop, I need to watch a music video." In my head, I'm screaming, "NOOOOOO! Why did you stop? Please come back." In real life, I just said, "Okay, no problem." I was hoping he would watch it and then we would get back to kissing. We didn't. After a couple music videos, I ended up falling asleep. I woke up about 10 minutes later. We decided it was time for him to go home. So he left. I was left wondering why he would do that. Why just stop? To watch music videos? I mean I know his passion is literally metal. Like he knows everything there is to know about metal, but was his passion really strong enough to stop our makeout session? Then, it hit me. He stopped because I sucked at it. He didn't stop because he wanted to watch video; he stopped because he wanted to stop kissing me. I accepted this and wanted to cry. He texted me "Goodnight," and I said it back and I apologized for my bad kissing. He said he enjoyed it and how he would have stopped if he didn't. That didn't help, because he did stop. I didn't say more. I went to bed.

The next day we hung out at his house. We were in his basement alone watching Ferris Bueller's Day Out. We finished the movie and watched TV for a while because we knew we didn't have time to finish another movie before dinner. He flipped to watch repo games. I just thought "What a loser haha." Then I looked at him and kinda of laughed a little and then kissed his cheek. He started to look into my eyes, and we started making out again. Unlike the day before, it got really intense. He kept pulling me closer, and I kept pulling him closer. We kept adjusting, and then the commercial was over and we took a break. It was asdfghjkl;: definitely made me want more. The next commercial break I looked at him, and I said "So.. it's commercial, do you know what that means," and he replies what and we started kissing and making out again. Then after a little while we took a break and he apologized. His hand had grazed my boob and I didn't even notice. We promised to watch ourselves. He said he would be careful of his hands and control them better. I understood and was okay.We still made out. We hung out at my house and made out some more. We also had a talk about our self control. He apologized again for his drifting hands. We made it clear he didn't want to have sex with me and he wasn't trying to. Like me, he has morals that include abstinence and wants to stay clear of sex. He admitted he watched metal music videos the night  before because he was tempted and he didn't want to go too far. He went home and we felt good about our relationship again.

I came over yesterday and something was wrong. He was acting funny. He kept asking if we make out too much after we would kiss. He would tense up when I would poke his sides and try to tickle him. Later he finally told me, he had a dream about us making out and it went too far. I assume it was a sex dream with me. It was bothering him that whole time. He thought by having that dream he went too far. He can't control his dreams. He didn't want it to seem that he wants sex. We talked about it and I decided it was best we stopped making out for a while. The dream honestly didn't bother me, but it made him scared to touch me. We decided to start over and take kissing much slower; go back to kisses on the cheek. We are going to take it much slower and find our limits of self control. I know it's what we need, but I have to act like it never happened. It's killing me. It's like if you read the first half of a really good book, and then someone took it and said you couldn't read it anymore. They promised to give you one page at a time every once in a while. So you would read the book much slower and probably have to start over multiple times just to remember what happens. I mean this just shows it's a good thing we stopped for now, but I wish we could have just kept making out and kissing and just learning to control it. Instead of just stopping for now. I wanted to cry after deciding this was best. I really care about him and I really don't want to have sex. I know this is what's best, but man, it's really hard.

Best Friend vs. Girlfriend

So Jake has this best friend, Dillon who was also in drama. They are going to be rooming together in Lincoln.  All my high school career, I have wanted to be someone Dillon could like and be friends with (him and other people in drama, too). Honest to God. I just want him to like me, because he's a funny guy and big in drama. Now, my desire for him to like me is burning because he's Jake's best friend. I want my boyfriend's best friend to like me. Is that so crazy?

At first, Dillon thought I was playing Jake like the past girls he's had in his life. He thought that I was using Jake for rides, that I was leading him on, or that I was just toying with him before I realized I liked Jake. As my best friend and now my boyfriend, I have always cared about Jake deeply. I have never once tried to use him. I did not use him for rides, I asked him because I liked spending time with Jake. On top of that, he wasn't the only person I ever asked. I understand he worried because he cares. He didn't want to see his best friend to get his heart broken again. I mean I was worried about being the kind of person to hurt Jake. I knew when he told me he liked me the first time, he was giving me the power to hurt him. It scared the shit out of me, and honestly, it still does. Anyways, I thought that when Dillon saw that Jake and I made each other so happy and we were good together and I wasn't another girl planning on ripping apart Jake's heart, he would like me or at least not hate me and give me a chance.

I got glimmers of it, when Jake was around, but when he wasn't or had the chance, I didn't feel like Dillon liked me at all. Dillon is one of those people who makes it obvious if he likes or doesn't like you. So many times, he has flat out told me, "Stop, you are fucking annoying." I won't ever admit to Jake how much it hurts me to hear that. I will never admit to him how much it eats away at me. That was over a month ago, but I can still hear Dillon saying it to me. I can hear all his negative comments toward me, because I know they aren't jokes. Ever since that day, I constantly make sure Jake doesn't find me annoying. He doesn't know that's why, but that's really why I do. I'm scared he'll realize it and walk away. 

I feel horrible when Dillon calls Jake while he is at my house and tells Dillon he can't hang out because he's with me. I feel like I'm stealing him away. I tell Jake he should go and hang out with Dillon, but he won't budge. I don't want to be the girlfriend who steals away their boyfriend from their friends. I don't want to seem controlling or selfish or greedy. I want him to hang out with his other friends. I even texted Dillon that I'm sincerely sorry and I don't mean to take him. He simply replied with a "its fine." So obviously it is not. I don't want to give him a reason to not like me, but when I took up Jake's time when Dillon called him spontaneously, I did. I look like such a bitch to Dillon. A controlling, selfish, annoying bitch not deserving of his best friend. He's definitely right about me not deserving Jake. Jake deserves more.

Dillon doesn't like me. I know that. I also know that I can't change that. There is nothing I can do that I haven't already tried to change that. It's just a fact. I know that I will feel unwanted and unwelcome if I go visit them in their dorm in Lincoln, because he won't want me there. I've tried to show him, I'm not using Jake and that I honestly, truly, deeply care for Jake. It hurts so much to know that my boyfriend's best friend doesn't like me. He doesn't approve. He knows I don't deserve Jake, and his disapproval just reminds me of that fact. I could never tell Jake the depth of this, because it would make him mad at Dillon. I could not bare to be at the root for his anger towards his best friend, so I keep the depth of hurt out of the conversation. I don't want to get in the way of his friendship. I don't want to steal him away from Dillon. I like Dillon, despite his hurtful comments towards me. I just don't know what to do. He doesn't like me, and the way he probably sees me is just another bitch getting in the way of his friendship. I feel like he's waiting for me to fuck up. It's like he knows I'm a fuck up and I don't deserve Jake. It's just that Jake doesn't see that or is too blind to care. How do I get someone's approval, if they know Jake can do better.

Lincoln Takes Another One

So it's the end of the year which means there's a lot of goodbyes. Jake is graduating in a few days. He will be officially done with high school. I will be left behind. He's off to new and better adventures in his life and I'm stuck finishing my old adventures. Sometimes it scares me to think of him leaving in the fall. Actually, it always scares me. It's become such a touchy subject with him and I. Neither of us want summer to end or fall to come.

So Jake is going to UNL. For those of you who don't know, that is in Lincoln. I live in Omaha. That's about 45 minutes away. It's not impossible. On top of that, his roommate is his best friend who happens to have a girlfriend in my grade who also happens to be one of my best friends. So her and I can go visit them together Even if I just go by myself, I know his roommate will be cool with it. He plans on coming home as much as he can. He  also plans on seeing all the high school shows to see his sister or me or any of our drama friends. There will be weeks where he won't be able to come home, which I understand. I think our plan is very doable.
Even with our plan, I'm still scared about him leaving for college. I mean sure, I know he won't be like any past long distance relationships I've had. (For those of you who don't know, I had a long distance relationship on and off with a guy [aka Mr. Lincoln] who lived in Omaha and then moved to Lincoln. He would constantly get my hopes up in coming to visit me, and end up being a no show. He would come back into my life when I just convinced myself that he didn't want me and I needed to move on. He told me he loved me, so I would never stop loving him. Let's just say that relationship never worked out. He's a thing of the past.)He will actually try. I know I can trust him. He won't cheat on me. I can see it when he looks at me or when he talks about me. He and I care for each other too much to hurt each other like that. I know my friends and family will be supportive. I know that he and I will still talk. I'm just absolutely terrified of what college could bring. It's a known fact he will meet new people.I know he won't try, but he could fall for someone else. Or worse, I could hold him back from one of those girls he might like or it could be a burden coming back to visit me. I could hold him back from doing what he needs to do because he doesn't want to hurt me. He told me the worst thing he could ever do is hurt me. He told me that he could not stand to hurt me, and with our history and our pasts I know he's not lying. I could not stand to hurt him by holding him back from his true calling in life. 

The worse part about him leaving for college is just that. He is leaving. I'm not going to see him everyday anymore. I'm so used to seeing him and getting hugs from him about three times a day. I'm so used to eating lunch with him everyday. Next year, I won't see him in the mornings in the music commons where we all hangout before school, or after my homeroom to walk me to my A2 class, or in a practice room for lunch on a days, or before my A4 class, or after school, or in the cafeteria on B days for lunch. He's not going to be sleeping in the music commons during B4, or at Village Inn instead of going to work, or in the scene shop during rehearsal, or the fly rail during shows. He's not going to be home for me to surprise and scare him. He isn't going to be in reach. It scares me to think how much I will miss him. I'm scared for that. I'm scared I'll be a wreck once I realize that we're trying to hold on to something, but move on with our lives at the same time. He's not going to be in reach when I need a hug from a bad morning, or a bad day. Or just because. It makes me cry just to think about it. It's just weird to think I won't see him everyday, but I know I can't do anything about it. I'll just have to enjoy the summer, and hope for the best.

The Start of Something Splendid

I feel like I haven't really blogged a lot this year and there has been so much to say. So let's start with the beginning...

So, Jake is this guy who was in love this girl also in the drama department. His heart was broken and smashed into a billion pieces when she lead him on and practically rubbed it in his face when she brought her new boyfriend to a cast party. At this cast party, I  noticed and he talked to me about it. He started to open up to me from that night on. We became really close. I told him about my past and slowly opened up, too. He became my best friend (He's the guy best friend I mentioned in Everyone Has Three Lives)

So, it's January, and our drama department went to International Thespian Society Convention(ITS) in Lincoln. I hung out with Jake a lot, because I saw that it was hard for him to see the girl and her boyfriend together the whole weekend. In the course of the first day, I guess Jake realized he had developed feelings for me. My friends asked me if I liked Jake, and I replied no. They told me it looked like I was leading him on and that I liked him. This worried me. At ITS, there's a formal dinner and a dance. So, after I as ready and had down time before dinner, I looked for Jake. I found him hanging out with some of our friends by the elevator, and I pulled him aside to talk to him. I told him that I was sorry if I lead him on, because that wasn't my intention. I could never hurt him. He told me he understood, and we hugged and continued to be best friends like nothing happened. All weekend, he kept looking over at me when he thought I wasn't looking. He told me later he still liked me. This altogether scared me. I never want the opportunity to hurt Jake, and when he makes himself vulnerable by having feelings for me he makes it too easy. I could never look at myself if I hurt him.

So the next couple weeks after ITS go by, and I still feel horrible about accidentally leading him on. I hurt him by not returning his feelings. I hurt him by continuing to be out of his reach. He liked me, and I friend zoned him. We were still best friends always becoming closer. Sometimes I would feel this huge feeling of gratitude and joy and wonder if I liked him. I would shrug it off. When he and I hung out the first time, I remember getting really nervous and excited when he was on his way to pick me up. All we were going to do was hang out and maybe watch a movie. When I got home, I asked myself if I liked Jake. I told myself no, because if I did I could hurt him. I could never hurt him like that. Over the next month, I kept finding myself wondering about it. I let myself try to figure it out, but I wouldn't let him know until I was sure. I didn't want to hurt him by getting his hopes up, leading him on, and then following my heart if it turned out I didn't.

In the midst of this all, my life was not going very well. Not a lot was going right, actually practically everything was going wrong. I became so lost in coping I became numb again. In becoming numb, I not only shut out my feelings of being lost and depressed and hurt, but also my potential feelings towards Jake.

I didn't realize when he became interested in a new girl, that I was hurt because I was jealous. Nor did I acknowledge the constant nagging in the back of my mind that made me feel ashamed that I put him in the friend zone. I failed to notice the reason why I kept asking myself if I had feelings for him. I was terrified to realize why it was so easy to open up to him and why I wanted to let him know me. I never took a second to see that I thought about him constantly, that I would look for him in the morning, that I enjoyed being around him, that he made me smile, or that he was everything I have ever looked for in a guy if not more. 

It wasn't until I hung out with him and realized that if he were to make a move, I wouldn't do a thing about it. I would be happy with staying there in his arms or holding his hand if it were to happen. It never happened that night. When I got home, I thought about it more. My life had cleared up a little bit more, and I wasn't numbing myself as much. My feelings for Jake were becoming more clear. Over the next week, I noticed these signs. I noticed how I acted, and how he made me feel, and how his words mattered to me more than anyone's. By the next weekend, I knew I did and I had to tell him eventually. 

Sunday night I called him to tell him my feelings. I stalled and just talked to him for an hour. We were about to hang up, and I hadn't told him yet. I stopped him quickly from hanging up before I lost my chance. I told him how I felt and I'm sorry about my timing. He's a senior and I'm a sophomore, and he will be going off to college in four months. I told him about me fighting myself about this since ITS, but in more detail. I told him I'm sorry that I am really selfish by telling you this, but not wanting a relationship right now. I wanted something between us, just not yet. I wanted things to stay the same, and I was on the verge of tears, because I was so scared of having feelings, of getting hurt, of him leaving for college, but mostly of me hurting him. It took us a half hour to figure out what we were going to do next. We said we would take it slow and let it happen on it's own.

So this past week, we have been liking each other. Things are going great so far:) he's definitely a keeper. I don't love him, not yet. My feelings aren't strong enough and uncontrollable and indescribable like that yet. Maybe later in the future, but not right now and that's okay because we're taking it slow. I feel so dumb for not seeing my feelings for him. I mean he makes me smile when I think the world has lost it's splendor. I can be my complete self around him, which is hard for me. I don't have to worry about embarrassing myself, because he thinks it's cute. He sees more good in me than I will ever see in myself. He jokes with me and accepts my sarcasm. He's practically the only thing on my mind lately, and it's distracting me in class. He puts me in the best moods, and just makes me feel pretty. No matter how much I push him, he doesn't leave because "I'm stuck with him:)" He's still my best friend above it all. And even though it scares the shit out of me to have feelings, he's definitely worth feeling terrified, and he hasn't disappointed me yet.

I really really like him..

Everyone Has Three Lives

I once read somewhere that everyone has three lives; a public life, a private life, and a secret life. Once I read it, I agreed. I interpreted your three lives as the life you want people to think you have, the life you let those close to you know about, and the life you keep from everyone, even yourself at times. Your secret life is how you live when you are alone in your room at night or the thoughts, actions, words you put aside in front of your friends. I believe it's the part of you that you hold back. It's the part that is constantly fighting "secret" battles inside of you.

I have a secret life. I have a secret side of me that eats away at me everyday. I have found this talent for smiling through it and keeping it hidden away from those outside of my mind. I have walls that not only protect me from the people around me but from myself as well. Within these walls are the pieces of a secret side of me. Up until now, I have been perfectly fine keeping "her" a secret, but I have met an amazing guy who has come to be my best friend. The very best friend I have ever had. I push him away to save him from the mess that I am, but he doesn't budge and stays there for me. He waits patiently to peel back my layers and really get to know me. He listens and tries to understand. He genuinely cares and I fully trust him. His willingness to listen to me and his relentless patience has motivated me to tear down these walls I have built and let go of who I was to grow as a person. I want him to understand the mess inside my head, because someone needs to. I need to, but I can't do it on my own.

So, I have opened up little by little throughout our friendship. Slowly, very slowly. It was going fine, but I realized yesterday how much of a mess I was. I didn't think it was a big deal how terrified I was to lose people, or how I push people away to keep the ones who can't handle my mess away (to save them so to speak). I thought it wasn't unheard of when people push a little to see who really cares enough to hold on tight anyways. Or to be terrified to be attached to someone in case of being let down. I showed my friend a glimpse of that side my mind yesterday and he was so worried. The thoughts in my mind must be much scarier from a person who sees me as happy. I thought it was easy to understand, but to him he was worried that I have been thinking like that. That I am so scared of getting hurt that I have built so many walls to keep so many people out. He was worried about who I really am and how alone I really felt and the side that he doesn't know. As much as I tried to explain, he couldn't grasp my complex thoughts. It terrified me. This is my best friend and this is what I was scared of.

He's starting to see the side that scares most away. He's starting to see the darker parts. I'm scared he's going to feel overwhelmed and feel like he got himself into more than he can handle or wants to handle. What if he doesn't understand and he can't handle with the worry that comes along with me? What if he does understand and realize that I am a wreck that can't be fixed up? What if he realizes he bit off more than he can chew? What if decides I'm not really worth the trouble? I would have opened up to another person that yet again could not handle who I am inside. I would question why would I try to handle who I am if no one else deems it worthy either. I am absolutely terrified that I will be disappointed again. That I will trust yet another person who only let me down again. I am absolutely afraid that my fears will be confirmed and I will be yet again alone with myself and my thoughts. Left to figure it all out and deal with it all on own. I'm torn between keeping him as a best friend who doesn't know me fully, or risking losing him for showing him the side of me I fear.

My Tribute to You

  A year from tomorrow, January 5, 2011, a troubled student named Robert Butler Jr. came into Millard South with a gun with muddled intentions of violence. The school was on code red, and two assistant principles were shot. Dr. Curtis Case was hurt, but survived. Dr. Vicki Kaspar was rushed but died on the way to the hospital. The school was on code red for hours. Around 230 or 3ish, classes were escorted out towards the back parking lot, and students were safe and sound with their parents. Robert Butler Jr. commited suicide after leaving the school.
  I was one of those hundreds of students hiding within that school. We weren't told anything during the code red. My class hid in the dark for hours before getting a call about the news about Dr. Kaspar and Dr. Case. That day was... indescribable. The whole time, we had no idea what was going on, or if someone could come in to our room and try to hurt us. All we knew was the school was not safe at the moment. We were in potential danger at the time, and the only thing we could do was sit and wait. Not a lot of people know what it's like to hear someone is in the same building as you with a gun with the intentions of hurting someone with it. Not a lot of people know what it's like to feel like you're world has been tilted out of order because a place you expected to be safe, wasn't. Scared doesn't come close to describing how I felt that day. For hours, I sat(sometimes laid) there numb of thoughts at times and others racing with worries and fears. I will never be able to explain the shock I felt when I realized that this is actually happening to me. When thinking that a shooting in your school could never happen, was no longer the truth. I could never accurately explain the emotions and the thoughts of mine or my fellow students as we waited in silence. No one dared to speak. In my classroom, there was no service, so we could not contact anyone out of the room. I could never explain what is was like to be isolated from the rest of the world outside of the building and at times just outside our room. I could never quite tell anyone how I felt to hear the words, "CODE RED. This. Is. Not. A. Drill." It's hard to explain how I felt when we were told Dr. Kaspar and Dr. Case was shot and that Dr. Kaspar had died. Sometimes it's just hard to think about.
  I may not have actually met Dr. Kaspar, but she was a part of my school. She died for what she believed in, and that's so inspiring. Her death, and her sacrifice, and that day, brought our school together stronger than ever. Two days later, our first day back since the shooting (our second day of school that semester), we all waited in the front of the school to walk in together as a school at 7:30 a.m. We had vigil ceremonies. We showed our pride. The first day back was emotional and numb at the same time. Tuesday was Dr. Kaspar's funeral and the whole school was invited. We were let off of school for the funeral. For me, her funeral made it more real. I realized that she truly was a hero. That only a brave person would stand up and continue to do her job. The choir department raised money to have a song composed in dedication of Dr. Kaspar. It was premiered at the spring concert in March by the Varsity Choir. It's called the You Are the Fearless Rose by Randall Stroope. A plaque was placed by the conference room in the main entrance closed to where she was shot. There is also a plaque on the seat she seemed to always sit in the auditorium during concerts. I will never be able to explain how we healed, or really how long it took, because I just honestly don't know.
  Tomorrow is the one year anniversary. It's the exact date and our first day back. I'm sure we will all enter the school together just as we did last year. We are also having a moment of silence for Dr. Kaspar. I have not in depth thought about this day since it happened. I will always take the words "Code Red" seriously and to heart. I will never forget the look on my teacher's face as she choked to tell us Dr. Kaspar had passed. You Are the Fearless Rose by Randall Stroope will never fail to give me goosebumps and chills. I will always remember that anything could happen to anyone at anytime like that day. It honestly scares me to go back to school, but I know I have to in memory of Dr. Kaspar and because as a Patriot, it's my duty to show my pride and be there to comfort my fellow students on this hard day.
  I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget Dr. Kaspar, but if I could talk to her right now, I would tell her, "I'm one of the many students you swore to protect that day, and you have inspired me. I feel pain for your family and for you. I wish we had the chance to meet, and for you to see me graduate because you were more than just a teacher or a principal. You cared for all of us, even though you did not know us al, and for that, Thank you."

Rest In Peace Dr. Vicki Kaspar

You will never be forgotten.