Everyone Has Three Lives

I once read somewhere that everyone has three lives; a public life, a private life, and a secret life. Once I read it, I agreed. I interpreted your three lives as the life you want people to think you have, the life you let those close to you know about, and the life you keep from everyone, even yourself at times. Your secret life is how you live when you are alone in your room at night or the thoughts, actions, words you put aside in front of your friends. I believe it's the part of you that you hold back. It's the part that is constantly fighting "secret" battles inside of you.

I have a secret life. I have a secret side of me that eats away at me everyday. I have found this talent for smiling through it and keeping it hidden away from those outside of my mind. I have walls that not only protect me from the people around me but from myself as well. Within these walls are the pieces of a secret side of me. Up until now, I have been perfectly fine keeping "her" a secret, but I have met an amazing guy who has come to be my best friend. The very best friend I have ever had. I push him away to save him from the mess that I am, but he doesn't budge and stays there for me. He waits patiently to peel back my layers and really get to know me. He listens and tries to understand. He genuinely cares and I fully trust him. His willingness to listen to me and his relentless patience has motivated me to tear down these walls I have built and let go of who I was to grow as a person. I want him to understand the mess inside my head, because someone needs to. I need to, but I can't do it on my own.

So, I have opened up little by little throughout our friendship. Slowly, very slowly. It was going fine, but I realized yesterday how much of a mess I was. I didn't think it was a big deal how terrified I was to lose people, or how I push people away to keep the ones who can't handle my mess away (to save them so to speak). I thought it wasn't unheard of when people push a little to see who really cares enough to hold on tight anyways. Or to be terrified to be attached to someone in case of being let down. I showed my friend a glimpse of that side my mind yesterday and he was so worried. The thoughts in my mind must be much scarier from a person who sees me as happy. I thought it was easy to understand, but to him he was worried that I have been thinking like that. That I am so scared of getting hurt that I have built so many walls to keep so many people out. He was worried about who I really am and how alone I really felt and the side that he doesn't know. As much as I tried to explain, he couldn't grasp my complex thoughts. It terrified me. This is my best friend and this is what I was scared of.

He's starting to see the side that scares most away. He's starting to see the darker parts. I'm scared he's going to feel overwhelmed and feel like he got himself into more than he can handle or wants to handle. What if he doesn't understand and he can't handle with the worry that comes along with me? What if he does understand and realize that I am a wreck that can't be fixed up? What if he realizes he bit off more than he can chew? What if decides I'm not really worth the trouble? I would have opened up to another person that yet again could not handle who I am inside. I would question why would I try to handle who I am if no one else deems it worthy either. I am absolutely terrified that I will be disappointed again. That I will trust yet another person who only let me down again. I am absolutely afraid that my fears will be confirmed and I will be yet again alone with myself and my thoughts. Left to figure it all out and deal with it all on own. I'm torn between keeping him as a best friend who doesn't know me fully, or risking losing him for showing him the side of me I fear.