So, Jake is this guy who was in love this girl also in the drama department. His heart was broken and smashed into a billion pieces when she lead him on and practically rubbed it in his face when she brought her new boyfriend to a cast party. At this cast party, I noticed and he talked to me about it. He started to open up to me from that night on. We became really close. I told him about my past and slowly opened up, too. He became my best friend (He's the guy best friend I mentioned in Everyone Has Three Lives)
So, it's January, and our drama department went to International Thespian Society Convention(ITS) in Lincoln. I hung out with Jake a lot, because I saw that it was hard for him to see the girl and her boyfriend together the whole weekend. In the course of the first day, I guess Jake realized he had developed feelings for me. My friends asked me if I liked Jake, and I replied no. They told me it looked like I was leading him on and that I liked him. This worried me. At ITS, there's a formal dinner and a dance. So, after I as ready and had down time before dinner, I looked for Jake. I found him hanging out with some of our friends by the elevator, and I pulled him aside to talk to him. I told him that I was sorry if I lead him on, because that wasn't my intention. I could never hurt him. He told me he understood, and we hugged and continued to be best friends like nothing happened. All weekend, he kept looking over at me when he thought I wasn't looking. He told me later he still liked me. This altogether scared me. I never want the opportunity to hurt Jake, and when he makes himself vulnerable by having feelings for me he makes it too easy. I could never look at myself if I hurt him.
So the next couple weeks after ITS go by, and I still feel horrible about accidentally leading him on. I hurt him by not returning his feelings. I hurt him by continuing to be out of his reach. He liked me, and I friend zoned him. We were still best friends always becoming closer. Sometimes I would feel this huge feeling of gratitude and joy and wonder if I liked him. I would shrug it off. When he and I hung out the first time, I remember getting really nervous and excited when he was on his way to pick me up. All we were going to do was hang out and maybe watch a movie. When I got home, I asked myself if I liked Jake. I told myself no, because if I did I could hurt him. I could never hurt him like that. Over the next month, I kept finding myself wondering about it. I let myself try to figure it out, but I wouldn't let him know until I was sure. I didn't want to hurt him by getting his hopes up, leading him on, and then following my heart if it turned out I didn't.
In the midst of this all, my life was not going very well. Not a lot was going right, actually practically everything was going wrong. I became so lost in coping I became numb again. In becoming numb, I not only shut out my feelings of being lost and depressed and hurt, but also my potential feelings towards Jake.
I didn't realize when he became interested in a new girl, that I was hurt because I was jealous. Nor did I acknowledge the constant nagging in the back of my mind that made me feel ashamed that I put him in the friend zone. I failed to notice the reason why I kept asking myself if I had feelings for him. I was terrified to realize why it was so easy to open up to him and why I wanted to let him know me. I never took a second to see that I thought about him constantly, that I would look for him in the morning, that I enjoyed being around him, that he made me smile, or that he was everything I have ever looked for in a guy if not more.
It wasn't until I hung out with him and realized that if he were to make a move, I wouldn't do a thing about it. I would be happy with staying there in his arms or holding his hand if it were to happen. It never happened that night. When I got home, I thought about it more. My life had cleared up a little bit more, and I wasn't numbing myself as much. My feelings for Jake were becoming more clear. Over the next week, I noticed these signs. I noticed how I acted, and how he made me feel, and how his words mattered to me more than anyone's. By the next weekend, I knew I did and I had to tell him eventually.
Sunday night I called him to tell him my feelings. I stalled and just talked to him for an hour. We were about to hang up, and I hadn't told him yet. I stopped him quickly from hanging up before I lost my chance. I told him how I felt and I'm sorry about my timing. He's a senior and I'm a sophomore, and he will be going off to college in four months. I told him about me fighting myself about this since ITS, but in more detail. I told him I'm sorry that I am really selfish by telling you this, but not wanting a relationship right now. I wanted something between us, just not yet. I wanted things to stay the same, and I was on the verge of tears, because I was so scared of having feelings, of getting hurt, of him leaving for college, but mostly of me hurting him. It took us a half hour to figure out what we were going to do next. We said we would take it slow and let it happen on it's own.
So this past week, we have been liking each other. Things are going great so far:) he's definitely a keeper. I don't love him, not yet. My feelings aren't strong enough and uncontrollable and indescribable like that yet. Maybe later in the future, but not right now and that's okay because we're taking it slow. I feel so dumb for not seeing my feelings for him. I mean he makes me smile when I think the world has lost it's splendor. I can be my complete self around him, which is hard for me. I don't have to worry about embarrassing myself, because he thinks it's cute. He sees more good in me than I will ever see in myself. He jokes with me and accepts my sarcasm. He's practically the only thing on my mind lately, and it's distracting me in class. He puts me in the best moods, and just makes me feel pretty. No matter how much I push him, he doesn't leave because "I'm stuck with him:)" He's still my best friend above it all. And even though it scares the shit out of me to have feelings, he's definitely worth feeling terrified, and he hasn't disappointed me yet.
I really really like him..
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