At first, Dillon thought I was playing Jake like the past girls he's had in his life. He thought that I was using Jake for rides, that I was leading him on, or that I was just toying with him before I realized I liked Jake. As my best friend and now my boyfriend, I have always cared about Jake deeply. I have never once tried to use him. I did not use him for rides, I asked him because I liked spending time with Jake. On top of that, he wasn't the only person I ever asked. I understand he worried because he cares. He didn't want to see his best friend to get his heart broken again. I mean I was worried about being the kind of person to hurt Jake. I knew when he told me he liked me the first time, he was giving me the power to hurt him. It scared the shit out of me, and honestly, it still does. Anyways, I thought that when Dillon saw that Jake and I made each other so happy and we were good together and I wasn't another girl planning on ripping apart Jake's heart, he would like me or at least not hate me and give me a chance.
I got glimmers of it, when Jake was around, but when he wasn't or had the chance, I didn't feel like Dillon liked me at all. Dillon is one of those people who makes it obvious if he likes or doesn't like you. So many times, he has flat out told me, "Stop, you are fucking annoying." I won't ever admit to Jake how much it hurts me to hear that. I will never admit to him how much it eats away at me. That was over a month ago, but I can still hear Dillon saying it to me. I can hear all his negative comments toward me, because I know they aren't jokes. Ever since that day, I constantly make sure Jake doesn't find me annoying. He doesn't know that's why, but that's really why I do. I'm scared he'll realize it and walk away.
I feel horrible when Dillon calls Jake while he is at my house and tells Dillon he can't hang out because he's with me. I feel like I'm stealing him away. I tell Jake he should go and hang out with Dillon, but he won't budge. I don't want to be the girlfriend who steals away their boyfriend from their friends. I don't want to seem controlling or selfish or greedy. I want him to hang out with his other friends. I even texted Dillon that I'm sincerely sorry and I don't mean to take him. He simply replied with a "its fine." So obviously it is not. I don't want to give him a reason to not like me, but when I took up Jake's time when Dillon called him spontaneously, I did. I look like such a bitch to Dillon. A controlling, selfish, annoying bitch not deserving of his best friend. He's definitely right about me not deserving Jake. Jake deserves more.
Dillon doesn't like me. I know that. I also know that I can't change that. There is nothing I can do that I haven't already tried to change that. It's just a fact. I know that I will feel unwanted and unwelcome if I go visit them in their dorm in Lincoln, because he won't want me there. I've tried to show him, I'm not using Jake and that I honestly, truly, deeply care for Jake. It hurts so much to know that my boyfriend's best friend doesn't like me. He doesn't approve. He knows I don't deserve Jake, and his disapproval just reminds me of that fact. I could never tell Jake the depth of this, because it would make him mad at Dillon. I could not bare to be at the root for his anger towards his best friend, so I keep the depth of hurt out of the conversation. I don't want to get in the way of his friendship. I don't want to steal him away from Dillon. I like Dillon, despite his hurtful comments towards me. I just don't know what to do. He doesn't like me, and the way he probably sees me is just another bitch getting in the way of his friendship. I feel like he's waiting for me to fuck up. It's like he knows I'm a fuck up and I don't deserve Jake. It's just that Jake doesn't see that or is too blind to care. How do I get someone's approval, if they know Jake can do better.
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