A Step Too Far

Jake and I have been dating for almost a month now, but it feels more like three because of the two months prior that we were technically together. So I guess we have been together for almost three months now. In those almost three months, we hadn't kissed yet; at all. We had our first kiss last Friday. It was cute, but it was so sudden and random I wasn't sure that it had actually happened. About an hour later, he apologized for it. haha I mean he said he was sorry he kissed me. It was really cute, and I was pretty sure he had to be one of the very few people to apologize for kissing his own girlfriend. I shut him up and kissed him. So as we watched a few movies, I would randomly plant one or he would. Sometimes we double kissed, sometimes triple, but no tongue. We didn't make out. Just pecks and a few lip locks. It was really cute. I enjoyed it.

So the Sunday, we hung out at my house for a while and we were laying on my bed having one of those gooey lovey dovey looking into each others eyes kind of moments that make everyone else want to barf because it's soo mushy and gooey and couple like (good thing we were alone). So being caught up in that moment (the moments were really like 5-10 minute moments at a time), we kissed, and then again, and then again. Soon enough pecking turned into lip locks, and lip locks turned into open mouth and well obviously open mouth led to tongue and making out. It was my first time legitimately making out. I mean it's not the first time a guys tongue has been in my mouth, but the first time wasn't so pleasant and he was more like shoving it down my throat. So we aren't going to count that one, but back to Jake. We were making out and taking breaks and looking into each others eyes and then making out again. It wasn't really intense, it was more soft and gentle, I guess? It was really really nice:) Both of us were really into it, and then he just stops. He looks at me and says "I need to borrow your laptop, I need to watch a music video." In my head, I'm screaming, "NOOOOOO! Why did you stop? Please come back." In real life, I just said, "Okay, no problem." I was hoping he would watch it and then we would get back to kissing. We didn't. After a couple music videos, I ended up falling asleep. I woke up about 10 minutes later. We decided it was time for him to go home. So he left. I was left wondering why he would do that. Why just stop? To watch music videos? I mean I know his passion is literally metal. Like he knows everything there is to know about metal, but was his passion really strong enough to stop our makeout session? Then, it hit me. He stopped because I sucked at it. He didn't stop because he wanted to watch video; he stopped because he wanted to stop kissing me. I accepted this and wanted to cry. He texted me "Goodnight," and I said it back and I apologized for my bad kissing. He said he enjoyed it and how he would have stopped if he didn't. That didn't help, because he did stop. I didn't say more. I went to bed.

The next day we hung out at his house. We were in his basement alone watching Ferris Bueller's Day Out. We finished the movie and watched TV for a while because we knew we didn't have time to finish another movie before dinner. He flipped to watch repo games. I just thought "What a loser haha." Then I looked at him and kinda of laughed a little and then kissed his cheek. He started to look into my eyes, and we started making out again. Unlike the day before, it got really intense. He kept pulling me closer, and I kept pulling him closer. We kept adjusting, and then the commercial was over and we took a break. It was asdfghjkl;: definitely made me want more. The next commercial break I looked at him, and I said "So.. it's commercial, do you know what that means," and he replies what and we started kissing and making out again. Then after a little while we took a break and he apologized. His hand had grazed my boob and I didn't even notice. We promised to watch ourselves. He said he would be careful of his hands and control them better. I understood and was okay.We still made out. We hung out at my house and made out some more. We also had a talk about our self control. He apologized again for his drifting hands. We made it clear he didn't want to have sex with me and he wasn't trying to. Like me, he has morals that include abstinence and wants to stay clear of sex. He admitted he watched metal music videos the night  before because he was tempted and he didn't want to go too far. He went home and we felt good about our relationship again.

I came over yesterday and something was wrong. He was acting funny. He kept asking if we make out too much after we would kiss. He would tense up when I would poke his sides and try to tickle him. Later he finally told me, he had a dream about us making out and it went too far. I assume it was a sex dream with me. It was bothering him that whole time. He thought by having that dream he went too far. He can't control his dreams. He didn't want it to seem that he wants sex. We talked about it and I decided it was best we stopped making out for a while. The dream honestly didn't bother me, but it made him scared to touch me. We decided to start over and take kissing much slower; go back to kisses on the cheek. We are going to take it much slower and find our limits of self control. I know it's what we need, but I have to act like it never happened. It's killing me. It's like if you read the first half of a really good book, and then someone took it and said you couldn't read it anymore. They promised to give you one page at a time every once in a while. So you would read the book much slower and probably have to start over multiple times just to remember what happens. I mean this just shows it's a good thing we stopped for now, but I wish we could have just kept making out and kissing and just learning to control it. Instead of just stopping for now. I wanted to cry after deciding this was best. I really care about him and I really don't want to have sex. I know this is what's best, but man, it's really hard.