Jake left for college two days ago. All summer I thought I could do this, I could handle him at Lincoln. It's only 45 minutes away, and I would see him every other week or so. I could do this and cope well. I was worried about him more than anything. I had a feeling it could be like when Mr. Lincoln moved to Lincoln, but I pushed it aside and said this was different. I was right, it is, to a point. I know he's committed to me and cares about me and loves me. I know he is trying to come home and see me as much as possible, and in so many more ways our relationship is different from the one I had with Mr. Lincoln. Our situation gives me a deja vu feeling.
These past couple days, all the feelings of longing, fatigue, and that uncomfortable, unsettling feeling that keeps you up all night came back. I know fatigue and staying up all night might not make sense, but once you're here you will understand. Your mind and body are so tired and want sleep, but that feeling that keeps you up all night overpowers it all. I've forgotten how dreadful this feels. I forgot that this very mix of emotions is what lead me to long for numbness. My mind is blank from being so tired, but I'm still unable to sleep. There is this emptiness that seems to have no location. I can feel the hole, but I can't find where it's at. I got these mixed emotions when I missed Mr. Lincoln after he moved, and I also used to get it when I was younger. My dad would be away at business months at a time. I would see him for a couple weeks, maybe a month even, but he would come home and visit or take us to Virginia or where he worked at the time. I would wake up with this feeling and cry in my mom's room because I couldn't sleep. I missed my dad so much that I couldn't sleep at all. Sometimes I didn't fall asleep until 3 am as a 6 year old. My mom would let me sleep in the next day and take me to school after I woke up. I have this feeling she knew exactly what I was going through and knew it was impacting me more than my siblings, but anyways back to the present. These feelings are so inescapable. I have medicine I have to take, and usually it makes me drowsy and I fall asleep. It didn't make me tired at all. I even tried reading my physics book, but no luck. I went on tumblr. I even put classical music on. Still awake.
I never want to admit to Jake, but I miss him more than I will ever let on. He hates that he is putting through the same bullshit I went through with Mr. Lincoln. I refuse to admit to him, that it feels a lot the same, and is almost just as hard and almost just as hurtful. I know he never wanted to hurt me, especially like this, that's why I can't bring myself to tell him how I'm coping. I know as a couple, I shouldn't lie, but I couldn't hurt him like that. I know he's worried regardless, but I want him to believe I'm being stronger so that he will have something to follow. I just want him to hold me and tell me that I'll be okay and I'm stronger than I think, because I'm not so sure anymore. I want nothing more than just to sleep right now, but sleep isn't coming for me.
I love Jake so much. I love him more than anything. (Oh yeah, we're in love hehe) I trully do. You can say what you want, "I'm only 16, I don't know what love is," but I don't believe love is about knowing how it's supposed to feel and comparing your own feelings, I believe it's about just feeling without much thought and just knowing. Love is like falling. You don't compare the feeling of falling with what you have been told is what falling feels like. When you are falling, you feel it and without much thought you know you are falling. I love him more than anything, I do. I know in the long run this will be worth all the pain and all the struggle. Hell! It's worth it right now. I know someone loves me and cares for me, and I'm doing everything I can to not let them go. I know that what we have is real. I believe that we could last a very very long time. Years, hopefully. I'm not saying I want to marry him or that I expect us to, I'm saying I want to be with him and only him for a very long time and I'm not going to let distance get in between. I may feel alone, but I know I'm not really. I also may be sleepless, but being loved far outweighs that. This is worth the fight, I just need to keep fighting.
